Happiness

I don't allow myself happiness. I am afraid of expecting good things in life. I lock the door on that part of my history and my personality for fear of being alone or rejected. The sad thing is that in the end I am even more alone, and I am rejecting who I really am. The responsibility is mine alone! The issues are mine alone! So much happiness or the possibility of it is loaded into the period I am entering now. I have a better work situation, reach a marker in life that will be a good thing, am only a year away from finishing a major goal in my life (if I will apply myself), and get to take the first majorly fun vacation to a new destination in several years. I get to spend time with an old friend and my sister. At the same time, a deep sadness is trying to take root. I dislike where I live, don't have any close friends who I have that special bond with, have zero plans on my actual birthday, and my mom's birthday is actually being bothersome this year. I miss my mom, and I wish she were here right now! Life is headed in such a good direction, and I feel like I am being childish in not being able to appreciate the good things/possibilities and let them be enough. Ugh! Enough of this madness! I am not sure how to approach this issue at the moment, but I will figure out a way to eradicate it from my head and heart. In the meantime, this is more of an honest note to myself to get my head out of my butt. The expectation for someone to read and/or benefit from this does not even enter my mind. The expectation for me to kick this issue is huge.

Testing

Why do some people seem to continually seem to face challenges in life? I don't know for sure. I have a feeling it has something to do with making better people of us and giving us a story that can help heal others in the future. I just had a conversation with a person with whom I am casually acquainted. In the recent past she lost her mother, and her teenage daughter now is facing health complications. This woman works multiple jobs, and always seems to be going. I understand much of what she is facing and feeling. We just have to remember that everything happens for a reason, God won't give us something we can handle, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to believe and have faith until we can see the light and reach the end of that particular journey/trial.

My gratitude list

5 things I am grateful for:

1. The extra little surprises in life

2. New York

3. Fresh, clean sheet and a comfy bed

4. The things I have been blessed with and the things I have been blessed to have missed

5. People to love and who love me

Simple but important things

What are you grateful for today? (Isn't amazing how big of a mood/focus changer gratitude is?)