Happiness

I don't allow myself happiness. I am afraid of expecting good things in life. I lock the door on that part of my history and my personality for fear of being alone or rejected. The sad thing is that in the end I am even more alone, and I am rejecting who I really am. The responsibility is mine alone! The issues are mine alone! So much happiness or the possibility of it is loaded into the period I am entering now. I have a better work situation, reach a marker in life that will be a good thing, am only a year away from finishing a major goal in my life (if I will apply myself), and get to take the first majorly fun vacation to a new destination in several years. I get to spend time with an old friend and my sister. At the same time, a deep sadness is trying to take root. I dislike where I live, don't have any close friends who I have that special bond with, have zero plans on my actual birthday, and my mom's birthday is actually being bothersome this year. I miss my mom, and I wish she were here right now! Life is headed in such a good direction, and I feel like I am being childish in not being able to appreciate the good things/possibilities and let them be enough. Ugh! Enough of this madness! I am not sure how to approach this issue at the moment, but I will figure out a way to eradicate it from my head and heart. In the meantime, this is more of an honest note to myself to get my head out of my butt. The expectation for someone to read and/or benefit from this does not even enter my mind. The expectation for me to kick this issue is huge.